Flying with Kids: An unfiltered account of mid-air madness!

Brace yourselves, dear readers, as I unveil the untamed truth about flying with my chaotic offspring. As a parent, navigating the world of air travel with kids in tow is like joining a circus with a never-ending array of acts. Grab some popcorn (or maybe a stress ball), and let's dive into the exhilarating journey that is flying with our children.

Packing is a ballet of chaos, where I'm the lead dancer tripping over Legos while trying to master the art of suitcase origami. As we enter the airport heading towards check in, I pray “please don’t count or weigh the hand luggage.”  I sing the mantra "We will survive" as if it's my travel anthem.  More often than not, we have been told off or fined for overweight hand luggage!!  Not a good start to our flight journey.

The lounge and gate become a playground of pre-flight jitters. My little adventurers run amok, their energy levels akin to a raver with glow sticks. And oh, the random things they decide to scream out loud – "Dad, has this airline ever crashed before?”  Thanks kids, what a question to say out loud!

Off comes the hoodies, the shoes and loads of other things the watchful security guard tells us to pack into the boxes for scanning.  Here comes the surprising “oh shit we forgot to pack that into check in luggage” moment.  We have had loads of stuff confiscated.  The kids wonder off leaving us to hurriedly unpack all the scan boxes back into our 10 pieces of hand luggage whilst passengers behind us grow impatient.

Boarding the plane is a theatrical performance that rivals Broadway.  We shuffle into our seats, avoiding eye contact with fellow passengers who are frantically arranging their items like Tetris underneath their seats, claiming their space in the overheads.

Even though they already talked about who sits near the window or who sits next to mum or dad, they decide to argue about it again.  All the while, other passengers have been stopped in their tracks waiting for our kids to vacate the aisle!  As they negotiate their seating arrangement in a heated debate, I am the reluctant diplomat, hoping to prevent a geopolitical crisis between siblings. I sit down and close my eyes making out I’m sleeping and praying they sort it out quick and sit down!

My in-flight entertainment arsenal looks impressive until the putty ends up in someone's hair, the colouring books are trapped between the chairs, and the tablets become an extension of their vocal cords. Who knew a small space could become a symphony of cacophony?  Note to self: We’re going to need more entertainment downloaded onto their tablets next time and noise-cancelling headphones for me to get through this.

Snacks become the holy grail of appeasement. Without them, our efforts to keep them quiet are ten times harder!  Goldfish crackers rain down like confetti as juice spills create an impromptu abstract art installation on the floor. The phrase "clean-up on aisle five" now has an entirely new meaning. The air hostess is trying her best to ignore us whilst grimacing through a forced smile.  I’m regularly trying to kick all the crumbs under the seats in a poor attempt to hide all the mess and save face!

Turbulence becomes the ultimate thrill ride, turning my kids into gleeful rollercoaster enthusiasts. For me it’s a white knuckle ride, sinking my nails into the arm rests, silently praying we’re not going to barrel roll and nose dive out of the sky.  Whilst wittering on about air pockets and thermals (I have no idea what I’m talking about but I try to sound knowledgeable about these things as not to scare the children) meanwhile I’m TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.

As the plane heads into its final path of descent, all the energy and noise from the kids has now dulled down.  Oh!  Guess what!  They are all now slowly falling to sleep.  Why did they not sleep mid-flight!?!?  It’s too late now.  Just my luck!  And they also want to go to the toilet as the seatbelt sign comes on!

So… as a seasoned traveller, here are some of my “please don’t do that” rules when flying with kids:

• Don't allow them to loudly talk or joke about the plane crashing, bursting into flames, hijacks, bombs or hitting a bird.

• Tell them not to run in airports or on the plane.  Save it for the next Olympics. Fellow passengers are not your hurdles. They are absolutely exhausted and can’t handle all of your loud and crazy shit right now.

• No kicking or reclining or camping under your seat. Remember, diplomacy over discomfort. I’m tired and can do without unnecessary tension between us and the other passengers for 6 plus flight hours.

And some useful things to remember or bring with you:

• Get some weighing scales and check all your luggage before you get to the airport.  It’s definitely worth it to avoid awkward moments and delays and fines!

• Try to get on the plane earlier than others to grab overhead cabin space and get your kids settled into their agreed seats sooner.  It reduces stress and you don’t have to endure others watching all the arguments.

• Make sure all their entertainment devices are fully charged and you have a power bank to keep them ticking over.

• Snacks equal sanity. Pack plenty of them!

• Bring comfortable clothes.  No doubt one of them will be hot and the other/s will be cold!

• Try really hard to get them to sleep when their body would normally sleep to minimise disruption to their routines.

So, my fellow adventurers, embrace the chaos, laugh at the madness, and remember – this is just one chapter in our parenting saga. Flying with kids might be like herding cats through a maze, but amidst the mayhem, there's a touch of magic.

Let's keep the meltdowns and memories in check, and may your journey be as bumpy as it is beautiful. Here's to you, your kids, and the unforgettable flight ahead! ✈️